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Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
sorry but your password must contain an "uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin"
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.