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So how long before GoFundMe is our nation`s leading health care provider?
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
A few bad decisions really liven up a boring day.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
I don`t know about you....but I have thought about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?