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Ladys, if you`re in an argument with a guy and there`s no may to win. Start playing with your boobs...works every time.
I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!
When 12 year old girls call each other honey and sweet heart...