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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider`s web.
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn`t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Few people have the balls to admit when they`re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"
I never think twice about helping others.In fact, I never think once about it.