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Partying on my level requires years of training.
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
I just broke my record for most days lived.
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
My favorite beer is an open one.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.