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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she’s made some serious mistakes in her past…
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.