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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
I liked you better before we met.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
I don`t care if its a scam! Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria sends me personal email makes me feel special!
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
I´m up way too early for someone who wasn´t planning on seizing the day.