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If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
I would lose weight, but I hate losing..
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.