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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
I think I speak for everyone here when I say "I haven`t the slightest idea as to where my life is headed"
Ironman and Batman`s only super powers is being super rich and smart really makes Bill Gates a real disappointment.
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.
If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.