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I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
Let`s start by taking some notes today. I`m fabulous bitches! Write that down.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I`m never included in things either
If a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!