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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
Don`t do drugs. Become a Pop star and they give `em to you FOR FREE!
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
I have a friend with one eye, he`s pretty cool about it, instead of :D he sends .D
I just came online to check the weather. That was 12 years ago.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.