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I think the cats are hording all the single women out there...
It may look like I’m in deep thought, but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
when humans are in love they get butterflys...dose that mean when butterflys are in love they get humans!! :)
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING