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No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
I’m not so much goofing off as impersonating upper management.
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
Word for the day is asstard
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.