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Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
I just can’t stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to “stay cool”
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
if truth is what u want...in return alcohol is all I want...
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?