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If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
"Everybody freeze!" -December
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!