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Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
I wish, just once, I could actually hit the pedestrian crossing the road slow with the "what`re gonna do, hit me" look on their face.
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.