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The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, muffins are healthy :) your welcome.
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
If you want to see exactly how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they`re already pissed off.
I can`t stand people who use song lyrics in their status` because they remind me of sombody that I used to know
you can´t drink all day if you don´t start in the morning
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"