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Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)