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I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
Sometimes it`s easy to forget we would all violently murder each other if we couldn`t obtain basic food or water. Have a great day guys.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.