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Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
I don`t always agree with everything I say. :)
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.