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All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
My train of thought is loco, no motive.
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the internet.
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
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Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.