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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.
There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"