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Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?