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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Not quite feeling myself today. I`m going to see if booze helps...
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
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If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.