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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
Marriage is for quitters
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
Irony: Asking God to help you on a science exam.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”