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Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It`s so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.