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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"
One of my biggest fears is that my car secretly records me singing.
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
I’m going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.
You had me at 0 mutual friends