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They sell Harvard shirts at Target so that’s a good way to save $ 399,984.05.
SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they`re smart, confident, and aware they don`t need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
Sometimes you just have to logout...
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.