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Urban Dictionary has saved me from asking so many awkward questions.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
I drink to make other people interesting.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.