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I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.