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Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
i only drink on days that end with y
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
Hey ladies! Great news! Those low riding, butt crack, hip hugger jeans are coming back in style!
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.