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Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I`ve gotta go find my clothes.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of idiot?
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
I am a very very very bad influence ... In a good way.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
Well, I`ve officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.
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