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Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn’t reach very far.
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.