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Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
I have enough leftover Halloween candy to get me to leftover Valentine`s Day candy time.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don`t see how it`s any of your business.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
It`s no fun if you have permission.