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Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
I`m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.