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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
To whom it may concern: I need more money and power ... ASAP thanks!
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
That awkward moment when you go for a run and your boobs start to bounce up and down.......and you`re a guy.
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
So many Jehovah`s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah`s Evidence.
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
I was just thinking, which is the biggest thing I plan on accomplishing today.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
Firemen must dread the moment when they`re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.