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Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.....must be going through a tough period in her life....
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
Don`t feel bad, alot of people don`t have talent either
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.
For the past 3 years I have been planning to write an article on Procrastination!!!