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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."