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No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
Where 5 minutes becomes 5 hours. Facebook.
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.