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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.