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It`s not everyday you find a $50 bill in your pocket, I didn`t, but like I said it`s not everyday..
They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
I BRIEFLY had an urge to clean ... but that lasted only 5 minutes .. whew! That was close! Lol
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
Thanks to everyone for the Birthday wishes! To anyone who missed it.”No cake for you!!"
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.