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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol