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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
My neighbors wifi isn`t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
Just when you want to be a good person again , someone new to stalk shows up
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.