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Don`t rush me. I`m waiting for the last minute.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.
So far, I am 100% at believing what happened next on Facebook links.
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
Why do people with the most to say contribute the least?
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
I hope common sense is the next cool trend.
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.