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You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
Why isn`t Hungary`s capital city called "Very"
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Everytime I see a person jogging I already know they have facebook, everyone on facebook works out.
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.