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If I had a time machine I`d go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the sh!t out of people with an electric toothbrush.
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
Being stuck in the`` friend zone`` is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
hilarious
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don`t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!