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Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?