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Winter needs to calm the f*ck down
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
Selfie... Because it`s important to realize that it`s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
The guy who invented the Time Machine has just died.... RIP DAVE JONES 2187-2014
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
The true trollers are the ones who troll the trolls.
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!