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3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!