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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
There are sick days, paid holidays, and vacation days. What about "Don`t have any gas to make it to work days"
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar..... No strings attached
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.