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I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
Who needs the weather network when you have Facebook.
Oh, you have a brand new boyfriend? Please tell me more about how you think he`s `the one`.
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
Does this couch I`m laying on make me look unmotivated?
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin