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I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some Iād love to punch them in the face.
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.