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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
Girls here is an idea.. instead of spending that much money on make up just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
Iām not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.