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Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
Must be lonely over there on "I`m offended by jokes" island.
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
When your running down the street on fire, people will get out of your way
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.