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I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
I can come up with plenty of ways to do nothing.
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.