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When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
Damn…I’m having an out of money experience.
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time