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Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
I say if you can`t come up with anything nice to say then post it on Facebook.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.
I just had DĆ©jĆ vu...and you were an asshole both times.
It`s only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.
Iām over the 30-day ab challenge ... Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?