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It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
There`s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world ... to get back from a woman
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store clerk asked to come back soon?
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.