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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
Don`t waste my timeline.
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.
I`m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they`re making ceramic bowls.