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My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
Bitch I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it`s a small soft drink.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
When I started out, I was young and idealistic, I wanted a Career and to make a difference in the World, but it turned out that I only wanted Paychecks........
Word for the day is asstard
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
If you see a girl or guy post pictures of their cat you know they`re single.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.