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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don`t know how much I want. They don`t know my life. They don`t know what I`ve been through.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
Walmart needs observation decks.
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.