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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
*wants to travel the world but has like 3 dollars*
Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
Just watched The Grey. The wolves left half the Mexican .. to spicy??
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.
It’s not pretty being easy.