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It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
I may or may not have just "Whipped my Hair Back and Forth".......
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
I want to follow my dream, but i dont want to look like a stalker
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.