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Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.