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Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
I really don`t need to be loved.. I would settle for being tolerated. :)
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
Okay, If we get caught here’s the story…
Your pants say yoga but your a$$ says McDonalds!!
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!