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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.
When one door closes it`s probably because someone shut it.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.