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If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn`t answer the phone.
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
How much time has to pass before grave robbing is considered archaeology?
It’s been “one of those days” for like 3 years now.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?