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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
My face is a 4, my personality is a 6, so basically, I`m a 10.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
I really need a day inbetween Saturday an Sunday
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".