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I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
I`ll be thankful when this thankful month is over.
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.