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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
I`m sure the fellow below don`t have big feet :(
What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
How do I tell my boss I don`t want to do work anymore but still want money.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
You`re right. I don`t have a clue. I`ve never had a clue. It`s part of my charm and it seems to be working for me.