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I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
life is too short to match socks
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.
When I "rage against the machine" the machine is usually a printer.