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I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
Irony: Asking God to help you on a science exam.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP ... until you have something someone else needs
Fun Fact: Valentine`s Day was created by a woman than didn`t get what she wanted for Christmas.
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
In fact, yes, l can multitask. I can screw up several things at once.