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*licks finger, holds it up in the air* ah yes, just as I suspected. wind.
Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?