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I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
Either I need to up my dosage or my income.
I love long legs.... Long sexy legs.....But not on a Spider, I hate long sexy legs on a Spider.
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
I have enough leftover Halloween candy to get me to leftover Valentine`s Day candy time.
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
For men who think.."A women`s place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that`s where the Knives are kept!
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
If you see me smiling in public it means Iām laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
FYI: I`m never gonna tell the person I`m meeting up with that you said hi.