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I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
i just peed so hard that I laughed a little bit
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
Today I think I`ll send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" ...JUST to see how many responses I will get. ;)
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.