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If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
I know there are some people we say were dropped on their heads as babies. But there are others that were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn’t illegal to talk in the car while I’m driving.
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
50 Shades of Laze - My weekend plans
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)