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Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
Where 5 minutes becomes 5 hours. Facebook.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
If I agreed with you we´d both be wrong.
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
If you see a girl or guy post pictures of their cat you know they`re single.
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".