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Not to cause a panic but i`m starting to think we`re running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.
My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.