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Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
I`m getting older but I still have my moments...though I don`t always remember where I put them
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of adults nowadays who ask kids "What do you want to be when you grow up?" are just trying to come up with some ideas?
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
What ? Who ? Exactly my point. Now move along and go read something else. Nosey !!
The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling