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I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
Ya know once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it´s hard to get it back in.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...