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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
You can not force anyone to love you ... The best you can do is stalk them and hope they give in :)
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.