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Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit ... And all I did was sign up.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.