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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"