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I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Had a blast doing my Black Friday tradition!!!! I slept!
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
What about a To-Don`t List?
I’m bored enough to clean.
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
Nice meeting you, but I forgot your name as soon as you said it...
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
I haven`t seen any new episodes of Gilligan`s Island in awhile... I hope they`re OK.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.