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My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.
No one is ever bored enough to start studying.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.