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You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
Tired of those Political Ads on television?...... You may be entitled to compensation.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
I know the voices aren`t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas.
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers