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My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
I was feeling down...then all of a sudden I felt myself up. Win, win situation! ;)
After visiting the gov`t healthcare site, I don`t know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".