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My train of thought likes to circle around the station a few times, take some wrong turns, and end up totally lost.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
My Memory.....The Second shortest thing I have.
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
I have been tagged and poked so many times today, I may not be able to walk tomorrow.
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
I know karate, jujitsu, judo, taekwondo and 28 other dangerous words. Still wanna` mess with me?
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.