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2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
I`ve learned more from one season of "Shark tank", than I ever learned in four years of buisness school.
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.