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Wine: How classy people get trashed.
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
Hibernation should be a human thing too.
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo`s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it`s Halloween because our family reunion was in July....
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?