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When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy. But add me on Facebook and I`ll stalk you (maybe)
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.
I’m a fan of saying YOU’RE WELCOME really loudly when people don’t thank you.
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.