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I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
We can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I`m still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer.
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
Don`t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you`re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
apparently telling my girlfriend her acuracy is as high as a magic 8 ball wasn`t a good idea.
I refuse to jump on the `I hate Mondays` bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Singing in the shower is illegal according to this Ikea security guard.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally