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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
"It gotten SOOO cold in D.C., politicians have their hands in their OWN pockets!"
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
I need u to do me a favor... Stand in front of my car please... I need to test my brakes :)
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that a$$hole.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
why we do not have a romance class...............
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.