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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
Ah Friday my second favorite F Word
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.