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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
Shouldn`t there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg off the internet to see which comes first. I`ll keep you posted.
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.