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My driver`s side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I`m probably gonna starve to death..
As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
"Hi, I`m here to ruin your life" - Social media
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.