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I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
My train of thought is loco, no motive.
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
I don`t know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.
hates when I´m singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..
everyone has that one crazy person in there family...but in my case everyone is just as crazy as i am!XD