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Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
Honestly, it`s not the way I look that reveals my age. It`s my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
Three words to ruin a woman`s ego. "I can`t tell."
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.