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I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
I hate when I´m laughing & my a$$ falls off.
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.