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Grab the bull by the horns. The other end is too gross...
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
How the hell can Dora call herself an explorer if she only goes to places already on the map?
Here`s to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I`m not really interested
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink