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Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don`t see how it`s any of your business.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"