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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.