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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
Your eyes are so beautiful. If you look deep enough i can see my own reflection...
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.