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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!!!
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ”K” instead of ”OK”?
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
Save water, shower together.
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.