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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
You`re the reason I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to goto work.
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
Today I will kick a$$, and make dreams happen...but first, Coffee.
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t give a damn!
I think today I`ll stalk my stalker, just to shake things up a little.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it`s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor
awesome collection!