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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
I´m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.