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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
Do you ever get that feeling that you are being watched? Because if it is bothering you, I can stop.
I`ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this status is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
I hate it when 18 wheelers blow their horns while Im driving, that sh*t wakes me up!
I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.