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The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
Deadliest Catch and Jersey Shore - two reality tv shows about catching crabs
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
Remember when the world ended last year?
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
Good friends do not let you do stupid things….. alone :)
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.