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Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
This nude beach would be great!...if I wasn`t the only one participating.
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.
New Study: Long-term beer drinking can lead to depression, also known as "running out of beer."