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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Laugh now, but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
I wish common sense was more common.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.