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My driver`s side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I`m probably gonna starve to death..
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
When I go to the gas station I always get two kinds of drinks so it appears I actually have a friend..I think they`re catching on though.
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
Seems like I can`t go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.