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I`ll be taking my time and yours,, thank you....... -- all 80 yr. old drivers
Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.