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I propose we change the names of the upper case P and lower case p to "P standing up" and "p sitting down."
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
I`m surprised more killers haven`t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
Hi, we`re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can`t ever find our dog.
There`s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
"That was supposed to be a compliment." -Men
“FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” – Mother Nature
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
Today everything gets answered by the magic eight ball
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!