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I don`t wanna make this weird but that`s just kinda how I do things.
You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.