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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.